AJ's Elegant Tea Party
by Red Witch
Summary: AJ has a playdate with the Figgis Agency.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to a tea party. Just some fun and fluff from my deranged little mind.**

 **AJ's Elegant Tea Party**

"Ugh, why did we come in early today?" Cheryl asked Pam as they drank coffee in the bullpen.

"Because we got drunk at the grand opening of the new Pita Margaritas and passed out here last night," Pam explained.

"Yeah that's a good excuse," Ray snickered as he walked in carrying some large boxes. "I come bearing bearclaws and other treats."

"From the café next door?" Pam asked.

"Of course," Ray said. "I know how much you love their bearclaws. And Cheryl loves their scones. And you both love their breakfast brownies when you're hung over."

"Ray you are a lifesaving **God,** " Pam groaned.

"I know," Ray smiled as Pam took the boxes. "Leave some for me. I'm still a little tired from last night. What did I miss?"

"Not much," Cheryl waved. "After you took Princess Lana home, Krieger passed out. Cyril struck out. And Pam won the arm wrestling contest."

"Cyril didn't get anywhere with that redhead huh?" Ray asked.

"No," Pam shrugged. "But I did."

"How was she?" Ray asked.

"Ehhhh," Pam shrugged as they sat down and began to eat.

"What are we doing today?" Cheryl blinked.

"The same thing we do every day Pinky," Ray drawled. "Try to make money and keep our asses off the pavement."

"Why do you ask?" Pam looked at her.

"I was trying to remember if I was supposed to do something important today," Cheryl told her. "Trying to remember…"

Meanwhile elsewhere in LA…

"Typical…" Cecil Tunt groaned as he and Tiffy sat outside at a funeral. They were dressed in black mourning clothes. There was an empty chair next to them. "Not that anybody liked Great Aunt Petunia. But the least Cheryl could have done was show up to the funeral."

"To be fair Cecil," Tiffy sighed. "It's not like she's the only one."

It was revealed as if a camera shot panned out that Cecil and Tiffy were the only people there at the funeral. There were rows and rows of empty chairs all around them. "I hate being the only responsible person in this family," Cecil groaned.

"Tell me about it," Tiffy groaned. "All I can say is, you'd better get something from her will."

"That's not the worst of it," Cecil groaned. "Cheryl was supposed to deliver the eulogy! I hate public speaking."

Tiffy looked around the empty funeral. "I don't think this technically counts."

Back to the Figgis Agency…

"Eh, it couldn't have been that important," Cheryl waved and ate a scone.

"Morning everyone," Lana walked in holding AJ's hand. "AJ say good morning!"

"Good morning!" AJ cheered.

"Good morning June Bug," Ray grinned.

"Hey! Wazzup AJ!" Pam cheered.

"Why is she **here**?" Cyril asked. "Shouldn't she be in school?"

"Professional day for teachers," Lana sighed.

Cheryl groaned. "How many professional days do these people **need** before they get it right?"

"And this from a person who has never been professional a day in her life," Ray pointed at Cheryl.

"BBFFFFFTTT!" Cheryl made a raspberry at AJ.

"Cheryl!" Pam chastised.

"BFFFFTTTT!" AJ repeated at Cheryl.

"AJ!" Lana was stunned.

"She did it!" AJ pointed at Cheryl.

"Crazy see, crazy do," Pam shrugged.

"BFFFTTT!" AJ did another raspberry at Cheryl.

"Don't **do** that!" Cheryl snapped.

"You're not my supervisor!" AJ shouted back.

Cheryl blinked. "Well I guess I had **that** coming!"

AJ looked up at Lana. "Mommy I wanna play tea party! You wanna play tea party? Play tea party with me Mommy!"

"Oh, AJ I can't play. Mommy has to…" Lana paused. "Who am I **kidding?** "

"I know right?" Cheryl giggled. "Aw man now I want to play tea party!"

"Well some of us should work today and…Who am I kidding?" Ray sighed. "I wanna play tea party!"

"Me too!" Pam said. "We have the pastries right here."

"We have iced tea in the refrigerator," Ray said. "Some of it is decaf."

"Usually tea parties are pretend tea," Lana said.

"Why pretend when you can have the real thing?" Ray asked.

"Because sometimes you can't get the real thing," Krieger groaned as he walked in. He looked at the others. "What are we doing?"

"Tea party," Ray said.

"I'm in," Krieger shrugged. "I've got costumes in my lab."

"Of course, you do," Lana sighed.

Twenty-Five minutes later…

"I don't even know why I bother," Cyril sighed as he came into work. "There's no work. No clients. No hope. Nothing going on!"

He walked in and saw a sight in the bullpen. "I stand corrected," He blinked.

Sitting at a table were the members of the agency all dressed in costumes along with AJ. "I say this is lovely tea!" Lana said in a pretentious funny voice. She was dressed with a feather boa and a large red hat on.

"Quite scrumptious!" Pam said also in a funny voice. She was also wearing a large hat with fake pearls.

"Oui!" Ray went on in a French accent. "It is like we are at a café in Paris. Tres bien!"

"Wunderbar!" Krieger raised his teacup. He had a monocle on as well as his red jacket.

"Such an elegant tea party!" Cheryl twittered. She had a large hat on and fake glasses.

"What the hell is this?" Cyril asked.

"An elegant tea party!" Cheryl said in her most snooty voice. "For the most elegant of people!"

"I'm Princess Pretty Pink!" AJ chirped. She was wearing a pink dress and a crown. "Mommy is Duchess da money…"

"Duchess Du Monet," Lana corrected.

"I am Lady Butterscotch Toffeeton," Pam spoke in her funny voice. "The Third."

"Charlotte Vandertunt the Fourth," Cheryl spoke up in her funny voice.

"Count Krieger," Krieger added.

"Lord Reynaud de Gills," Ray said in his French accent.

Cyril sighed. "AJ has the day off from school again? And since you lot found a playmate that's your mental age you decided to play tea party?"

"Bingo Bozo," Pam smirked in her regular voice.

"Why is she off from school again?" Cyril asked Lana.

"Professional development day," Lana said.

"Didn't they have one of those last week?" Cyril asked. "And another one two weeks before that?"

"Yuuuuup," AJ said, perfectly mimicking her mother.

"How professional do these people **need** to be?" Cyril asked. "They have jobs! If anybody needs a professional development day it's us! We haven't developed **anything** professional since…Ever!"

"You're still upset about last night, aren't you?" Krieger asked.

"I can't believe I was turned down by a woman who works as a substitute teacher!" Cyril groaned. "A substitute teacher didn't think my job was good enough for her! A woman who doesn't even know if she's working for one day to the next didn't want to date a guy who runs his own agency."

"I can't believe it either," Ray said in his normal voice. "When you put it like that you two have so much in common."

"You know?" Cyril looked at him.

"If it makes you feel better Cyril you didn't miss anything," Pam said.

"She wasn't good?" Cyril blinked.

"I've had a lot better in bathroom stalls," Pam admitted.

Cyril paused. "That does make me feel better."

"Cheer up Cyril," Cheryl said. "Play tea party with us!"

"With real iced tea and real pastry," Ray pointed out.

"I can't. Some of us have **actual work** to do!" Cyril began to leave then stopped. "Who am I **kidding?** "

Five minutes later…

"Care for some tea Lord Figgis Bottom?" AJ asked innocently.

"Don't mind if I do," Cyril said in a British accent. He was wearing a top hat. "Jolly good tea!"

"Jolly good tea!" Pam said in her funny voice.

"Indubitably," Lana said in her funny voice.

"Pip! Pip! Cheerios!" Cheryl added.

"Captain Crunch!" Krieger added.

"Sugar Smacks!" Pam added.

"Raisin Bran!" Cyril added.

"No surprises **there** ," Pam rolled her eyes.

"Fruit Loops!" Ray added.

"Or there," Pam added.

"I say anyone going to the country this summer?" Cyril asked in his accent. "I just adore going to the country in the summer!"

"Which country?" Krieger asked.

"Isn't this such an elegant tea party?" Pam twittered.

"For the most elegant of people!" Cheryl added. "Ha, ha, ha!"

"So elegant don't you agree Princess?" Lana grinned.

"I gotta go potty," AJ said.

"Well we tried," Pam quipped.

"Come on, baby," Lana took AJ's hand. "We'll be back." They went into the bathroom.

"This is actually a good tea party," Ray said in his normal voice.

"It'll be even better with some of **this** in it," Krieger pulled out a flask.

"Now you're talking!" Pam said as she held out her cup. "Hurry before Duchess Du Moan-A-Lot comes back."

"Let's keep talking in funny voices," Cheryl kept talking in her funny voice. "I like talking like this!"

"As do I!" Cyril said in his British voice as Krieger poured some alcohol into his tea.

Meanwhile just outside the office Mallory was just about to walk in the door. "I know I should have checked in on these idiots sooner. I can't delay any more. Who knows what debauchery they're doing on my dime?"

To say Mallory was shocked when she saw the majority of her staff having a tea party was an understatement. "What fresh hell is this?" She blinked.

"We're having the most elegant tea party," Cheryl said in her funny voice.

"For the most elegant people in the world!" Pam said in her funny voice.

"It's quite an elegant affair," Cyril said in his British accent.

"Yes Mon Ami," Ray sighed in his French accent. "Such elegance…"

"Very elegant," Krieger said as he poured some more alcohol into his tea and took a drink.

"I see…" Mallory blinked.

"I say Lord Figgis Bottom," Pam stayed in character. "Shall we go yachting this afternoon?"

"It is a lovely day for a yachting excursion don't you think so, Lady Butterscotch Toffington?" Cyril went on. "Don't you think so Lady Vandertunt?"

"Oh yes quite lovely!" Cheryl went on.

"Lovely!" Pam twittered.

"So lovely," Ray added.

"Very lovely," Krieger added.

"Quite lovely," Cyril took a sip of tea. "Lovely, lovely, lovey."

"Where's Lana?" Mallory asked cautiously.

"Lana? I know no Lana," Cheryl scoffed. "Ha! Ha! HA! HA!"

"Perhaps she is referring to the Duchess?" Ray asked. "She might be a bit confused poor dear."

"The Duchess Du Monet is taking Princess Pretty Pink to the lavatory to have a tinkle," Pam twittered.

"Of course, she is," Mallory blinked. "I have to go…Anywhere but **here!"**

"Bon voyage!" Ray waved his napkin as Mallory left.

"These people are cracking up," Mallory said in a dazed voice as she walked out of the building. "They're all insane. I'm the only sane sober person here."

She paused and came to a realization. "Who am I **kidding**? Sobriety is overrated! I need to go to a bar!"


End file.
